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Sunday, July 26, 2009

heart / hurt

in lieu of running, i have decided to blog post. it's the crack of dawn on this Sunday morning and i'm anxiously soaking in the last hints of the night. my body is exhausted still but my mind is already hard at work processing these confusing emotions on my heart.

why are you sad, little heart?
why do you hurt?

it's like there's this incredible weight on my heart, dragging me into a deep abyss of self-doubt and fear. Lord, can You please carry some of this hurt? it is so much to bear. i am starting to ask, yet again, why i've waited. why i've trusted. why i'm walking through this life, completely set on Your provision, when it seems that i barely have enough faith at times to trust that the outcome is good. and worthwhile. Abba, carry me, i pray, as i am saddened by this society which does not wait for anything. Father, help me to keep trusting You even when i want the momentary pleasures that this world will sacrifice its very soul to taste, the honey that is sweet to the lips yet sinks down and destroys. Christ, come in and fill me where the emptiness seeks to consume the longing i have for that which i cannot experience yet. Jehovah, create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me, grant me a courage which will not surrender to the flesh. may i remain strong in Your love, Lord.

this is my prayer. hear the cry of my heart, Lord.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

rejoice .

i'm in a rather funny mood this wednesday morning. perhaps it has to do with my fever of four days which is just now breaking.

either way, it's 7:30 a.m. and despite my body aching and my head spinning, i'm really happy. i'm slowly starting to taste the first hints of health again, and it is refreshing. i haven't eaten in three days and i really miss food, i miss the energy it pours into my body. while reviewing my body in the mirror earlier, i reflected over the joke a few friends made about how much weight i'll get to lose in being sick. i don't feel thinner. i do feel weaker, though. i'm starting to question if being thinner really makes one prettier or happier, as i've probably lost about 5 lbs this week. don't get me wrong, just like every girl in our society, i struggle with my body in finding the ideal, balanced form. i grapple with the images of 'beautiful women' i see in magazines and on movies. somehow though, i keep coming back to the way God sees me, as a beautiful child imparted with His seal of approval. beloved one. that's who i am in Christ. and even when i'm incredibly sick, and i look decrepit, with my hair matted in a bee-hive fashion, and my lips chapped and peeling, with eyes swollen from fever, and skin parched and rough, Jesus still finds me lovely.

perhaps this is where my joy is found: the only place where true joy can be found--in Christ.

thank You Lord for this day, for Your gift of life, of health, and even for the times when i am forced to slow down and soak in Your goodness. as i begin to shake off this wretched case of the flu, i am reminded of God's tender love for His little ones, as He walks me through this journey where at times, i am weak and broken. yet, He is strong.

Father, may i not forget to praise You in everything.