10:30 pm is coming up quickly and i should probably call it a night soon. there are just a few things on my heart i wanted to share.
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1. to the few, dear friends who read my blog: i love you. thank you for sharing in my joys and struggles. your emails encourage me tremendously and i could not brave life's storms without your constant affirmation in my worth as a child of the Most High. praise be to Jesus for the fellowship of friends!
2. it's the beginning of june and i cannot believe how fast time flies when you're out of college! it's been two years since i lived in san diego and i'm amazed at the deep connections i've maintained with my long-distance college friends since we walked off the greek ampitheatre and toward our next season's calling. there's this quote a friend sent me once and i think it can apply to my friendships as well: "absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire" - francois duc de la rochefoucauld.
3. last night, i had a vivid nightmare in which someone very dear told me they "didn't want to know me anymore." i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat, my hair tangled across my face and my arm sore from lying on it. one of my greatest fears is that of rejection. i'm sure this has something to do with my parents' divorce. regardless, Christ is constantly drawing me up out of those fears and asking me to trust Him entirely--even when my heart could possibly break. Jesus is bigger than my fear, any fear, fear itself. in Christ, there is no darkness, only pure, concentrated light. i keep asking God to shine His flashlight into the crevices of my life where fear takes root. that dream reminded me to look to God and not base my life on how another person perceives/receives me. with God, i have no fear of being abandoned.
4. i want my beauty to extend beyond the dress i wear to work, the shade of lipstick i sport, the style and length of my hair, the shape of my silhouette, the size of my heel, the thickness of my mascara and the softness of my skin. i want Christ to be in me and consume me, and that this 'jar of clay' would merely reflect His loveliness. when i dwell on myself, and my countless imperfections, i am immediately discouraged. yet, when i look to the cross, my Saviour drenched in blood and tears, radiating love, all my ugliness disappears. Jesus, You are beautiful.
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with that said, i'm off to bed.