I'm a nail-biter.

[ thoughts from last Friday ]

It's 4:13 p.m. this Friday afternoon. I just spent a few minutes biting my nails (mainly on my left hand) and I feel guilty and frustrated about that. I have been trying to grow them out but these last few weeks have been really busy and filled with anxious moments. I hate how connected my emotions are to my nails. Sometimes I wonder if people can "read my nails" and see the hidden tension and anxiety I feel deep inside. It's not always like this, though. At times, I can sense God's peace as it sweeps across my heart and taste His goodness, when I stop to breathe deeply and relax throughout my day. But usually those times of deep breathing are sandwiched between bouts of nail-biting and hand-fidgeting. I'm such a fidgeter.

In reviewing this past week, a few tough moments stand out. On Monday night, I broke down and cried hysterically after reading my study module on "Caring for the Dying and Their Families" in my Stephen Ministry Manual. Reading through those pages reminded me of my own grandmother's death and the process she went through physically while my mom, sisters and I were affected mentally and emotionally. When I finished reading, I couldn't help but relive some of those tense, painful memories. I recalled the late nights spent by my grandmother's bed, singing to her, praying with her and recapping work events--just to feel connected, hoping that she could hear me in the midst of her coma. Deep, dark sadness coupled with moments of uncontrollable laughing came to mind, as I remembered how my older sister and I would get up in the middle of the night to eat crackers and cheese and talk about our fears. My mom's declining health and stages of denial and bargaining were topics discussed in my reading. I could the taste warm, liquid drops starting to fall down my cheeks and onto my lips, as if the bitterness of unwanted change and transition still sting all these years later. Three years, to be exact. Recounting the pain, loss, anger and confusion of the dying process is very real to me. The stories in my training module hit home, hard.

On Wednesday, I met a very sweet, 85-year-old French lady. She had come to my office to meet with one of my colleagues who was busy. Since my coworker wasn't free to help her, she and I ended up spending an hour together over coffee, as she shared with me the bitter loss she recently experienced in her daughter's death. This lady is currently looking for a community where she can be around others. The pain is too hard for her to bear alone. During those 60 minutes, I don't think I ever looked at the clock. It was like time and space stood motionless and all I could hear was the cry of this woman's heart for her child. Her pain consumed her. I practiced listening like I never had before--true, uninterrupted, attentive listening. My eyes watered; her eyes poured. Through tears and multiple hugs, she was eventually able to gather her things and head back home--but I refused to let her go without a prayer. It was easy, she wanted God's help so badly.

These moments, coupled with others, bring me to this afternoon. A little after 12:30 p.m., I went to lunch with a friend. The two of us have become friends over the past year. We share a similar sense of humor. I heard a couple weeks ago that my friend's Mom had passed away. My friend had just returned to Seattle after three weeks visiting family. I treated her to Taco Time and we spent the first 45 minutes catching up on trivial matters--how our weeks have been, funny jokes about work, the weather, etc. I felt uncomfortable asking about her Mom. I should say, though, that I felt like God hadn't given me the strength or the grace to ask her right away about how things were going. After we finished eating, we both just sat at our booth for a few moments, gathering our thoughts. I asked her how her Dad was doing. With that small question, she began to express her pain. "I haven't been able to deal with this," she said. "I don't think it's hit me that my Mom is gone yet." As she shared with me about her Dad's situation, in now living life without his wife of 48 years, she started to tear up. My friend then expressed to me how initially she didn't mind almost missing her Mom's death. She was planning on going home later than planned but then her Dad requested that she change her ticket. She did. As I listened, quietly, she opened up about the last moments of her mother's life. My friend's family, her friends, pastor and church had gathered around her Mom all day to sing, pray and spend time with her in the presence of the Lord. Her Mom could've lasted another week or so according to the attending nurse, but that night, after most everyone had left, my friend and her Dad sat with her Mom. My friend shared with me how she saw her Dad walk over to her Mom and whispered a prayer that God would take her home. He then kissed her. At that moment, she passed beyond the edge of this life into Heaven. My friend said that she felt so blessed to be able to experience that moment with her Mom, as God ushered her into eternity. As she shared these experiences, I couldn't help but cry. First two tears, then three. All of a sudden, a sea of unspeakable pain, joy and beauty rushed over me. My friend allowed me to enter into her pain and loss. As we cried together, she brought me into her stories of love for her Mom. I couldn't bear the weight of it all. But then I realized that I'm not meant to--this is where God lives, moves and acts. He was with my friend through these painful years of her Mother's decline. God was next to her Mom and Dad and her in those final moments. He will comfort my friend as she moves through this season of intense grief and unbearable loss. And I will be here with her, too.

As I type these stories, I can see the jagged edges of my nails taunting me--the consequences of coping with increased anxiety. It's a habit I'd like to break. At the same time, I guess I realize the profound impact of these experiences amidst their stress. The "effects" are not all bad--some are good, enriching and life-giving. I feel stronger in my ability to love deeply and carry another's burdens. I'm impressed at how applicable my Stephen Ministry modules are to real life. Then again, the power in truly listening to another person as they share their life with you should come as no surprise. We were created for this. This is true fellowship.

friends came to visit!!

i want more Jesus .

i've been listening to these sermons by michael wells:


http://www.mikewellsdownload.com:80/

[click on audio files...i started with 'keeping the focus']


i like his message. he feels his ministry/calling is to "defeated Christians."

he preaches Jesus. makes sense, right?

a night in with my cousin...lol.

Christmas lights .

when i was younger, just about this time of year, my family and i would pile into our super-trendy, 1985 gray volkswagen vanagen around dusk, pick up a Pizza Hut pizza and drive around the surrounding neighborhoods in the upcountry area of maui. our mission: find the best decorated house. usually this meant the house with the most Christmas lights. i'm sure, though, if we saw the house on the right in this photo, we'd pick that one. hahaha.

i miss looking at Christmas lights with the fam...

p.s. it's 25 degrees here in city. this is the first time i've been in 25 degrees. ever. oh my!

re: grateful girl .

dear friends,

in this season of thanksgiving, joy and redemption, i need to pause and say thank you. i know that i tend to get caught up in the craziness that is life, but quiet moments in prayer and reflection seem to stir an indescribable spirit of gratitude in my heart. the Lord has blessed my life in profound ways this last year, as He is constantly showing me how i must set my heart and my mind on "things above" and walk through disappointments, uncomfortable experiences, trials and heartache in order to see Him, kneel at His feet and humbly admit my weaknesses.

thank you for journeying with me in this season. i appreciate you deeply. i wrote this list as i thought about how all of my friends continue to show me Jesus.

thanks for giving :: :

your time .
your ear .
your hand .
your feet .
your heart .
your voice .
your words .
your letters .
your tales .
your lists .
your travels .
your jokes .
your run-ins .
your laughs .
your sorrows .
your smiles .
your tears .
your dreams .
your joys .
your hurts .
your fears .
your talents .
your skills .
your food .
your home .
your music .
your cat(s) .
your dog(s) .
your quirky parents .
your siblings .
your children .
your childhood .
your college years .
your present .
your past .
your weaknesses .
your troubles .
your triumphs .
your love .

thank you for sharing your Jesus, too. He's in all those things.

and thank You, Lord, for pouring out Your love on my life in such rich ways. may I see Your beauty in the everday and cultivate a grateful heart, as i see You at work in all the details. and in all my relationships.

love,
maile

"As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another."
proverbs 27:17

chocolate cookies and swollen feet .

i know i haven't written in awhile. it's been too long since i've updated everyone on my always interesting daily happenings. so here goes... greetings, friendlies. i just got home from work and i'm cozily scrunched on the comfy gray couch isaac's friend mike is storing in our little apartment. there are a few crumbs scattered across my keyboard at the moment, barely visible evidence of the two chocolate chip cookies i practically swallowed whole upon arriving home. another long day, that's all i can say.
i feel like soaking my feet in a hot tub now. they're a little red and swollen. if my dad was here, i'd ask him to give me a foot massage. he was the only one growing up who would do that. my feet take such a beating each day. i had to work the 10-hour shift today, which means i had to get up at 5:50 a.m., get ready and then head to the bus stop downtown. mind you, i always manage to leave my apt with only a few minutes to spare before the "estimated bus departure time," which occurs more than just a couple blocks away from my starting point. today was no exception. around 6:40 a.m., i was panicking trying to find snacks for work, leggings and a decent way to wear my hair. around 6:45 a.m., i sprinted out my room, down the three flights of stairs leading to my apt entrance, and down the six or seven streets leading to my bus stop. i'm going to be completely honest now: i run red lights--literally. somehow, i rationalize that when you're on foot and no one's coming, it's different than when you're in a car. plus, i have to be on time to get to the bus or else i'll be late for work. (somehow i know this is wrong, but living in the big city i have to make these types of rule adjustments every now and then.)
anyway, back to the story. i made it just in time for the bus, which leaves at 6:51 a.m. on weekends. i'm not sure if my light brown boots are made for running, but they seem to work well. when i got off the bus at 7:40 a.m., i walked up the large hill leading to my work and across and down a few other side streets.
then i worked until 7:00 p.m. not surprisingly, the security guard who was really annoyed about driving me to the bus stop last week, of course, was the one to pick me up tonight. he's probably in his late 60s, a retired downtown seattle cop. tonight we exchanged stories as we were driving, and he told me how a guy got shot in his old area one night recently. he told me that he never forgets his "weapons" when he walks around downtown at night. he then asked how far i live from the bus stop where i get dropped off at in downtown. i told him the different streets and i could tell he felt bad. or uneasy. he then asked me if he could wait with me until the bus came, at least. (last week, he dropped me off at my bus stop after making a remark about how me not having a car "really inconveniences people.") i'm thankful that he had a change of heart.
on the bus ride home, my feet took yet another beating as i used them to prop myself up from falling, as the bus jerked back and forth between stops. at one point, everyone flew forward on the bus, because the brakes supposedly gave out and then came to. our bus driver then pulled to the side of the road and we waited for a new bus to come. when i finally made it to my stop, i was overjoyed at the thought of coming home and eating a cookie, so i just sprinted up the hills leading back to my apt. i took breaks every now and then to catch my breathe and look at the city lights. it was a beautiful, clear night, probably in the high 40s, with no breeze, which makes for a comfortable walk, or in my case, run. so, when i got home, i kicked off my boots, pulled off my leggings and gave my feet room to breathe. they work so hard each day, getting me to and from work. down hills and up hills and across side streets.
wow. i'm starting to feel so grown up in certain ways. thank You Abba that i'm less intimidated by this big city, as i'm learning to keep moving forward--one step at a time.